|Bollinger and Guenther Girls|
Back in May, Jessica came down stairs and showed me a positive pregnancy test. You can’t imagine my joy. We agreed not to go crazy telling people because we know the risks in the beginning, and didn’t want to potentially have to announce the bad news later. Joy is contagious. We couldn’t NOT tell, and we ended up letting a few people know. Everyone was happy. Some annoying doctor’s visits and bad customer service later it happened. It was a Sunday. Jessica had a miscarriage. I had heard of people having them, but never thought, in any real way, that it would happen to us. Even though we’d never heard a heartbeat, and were barely into it (maybe 4 weeks or so) the sadness I felt was overwhelming. Our first ever creation together, the thing we had both longed for for so long, just died. And for the first time in my 23 years I understood how hard it is to trust that the will of God is perfect, and that He will work all things for good. We have worked through it. We’re not sad anymore, but it doesn’t mean we’ll ever understand. We just trust. That’s what faith is. After a while I felt selfish. I was so worked up about this miscarriage because it was MINE, and it made me realize that my heart doesn’t hurt enough for the rest of the pain in the world – the kids starving, abused, dying everyday, and every other consequence of sin’s stain on the earth. Thankfully, it was as early as it was. Thankfully, we were less attached than we could have been. Thankfully, the whole process of it for Jess was actually as easy as it could possibly be. We can use these things to ease our pain, maybe try to sugar coat it, but when you get down to it, it can never be a GOOD thing. We’ll always have the memory. There is no perfect way to handle it, but it’s a chance for us to lean a little harder in to God. We get to walk in the “perfect understanding isn’t a prerequisite for faith in God” posture. We have a different perspective. When thinking about “living life and experiencing new things” that people long for, maybe they forget that you have to take the bad with the good. In times of pain Job would probably have the best wisdom, “Shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive evil?” (Job 2:10) We’ve experienced more now in our life together. We’ll never be entirely ready for what is to come, but God is teaching us, and we’re trying our best to follow Him.
|A flower Jess got from Camille the day she found out she was pregnant.|